Alice Emotional
by JakeTimHunchbackPheobisNistoff
Summary: Alice marries the Mad Hatter and they have a baby girl names Colleen. She is the pride and joy of her father and he'd do anything for her.
1. Happy Beginnings

One morning, 19-year-old Alice sat on the couch with her tucked in, puffy butt, corduroys. She was very excited because she had just found out that she was pregnant. "Oh," she said, to her imaginary, magical cat. "I cant wait to tell Hatter about the baby, he'll be so happy because it's our first child."

Her imaginary, magical cat slurped his spit and spoke. "I'm sucking out my magical bubble and making you kick him."

Alice gasped. "No! The baby will be ruined for him if I do that, you know how sad he gets when I kick him!" Alice pleaded.

"(Slurp) I don't care, I'm evil and you know it. So kick him or you'll be sorry." The cat said, very sinisterly.

Alice began to cry. "You always make me do stupid things like kicking Hatter or saying something really mean to him. He'll think I don't love him now!"

"I DON'T CARE!" the cat yelled. " You do it the next time you see him!"

"Okay! Fine! I hate you, Cat," she yelled.

Later on, Hatter walked in the bedroom were Alice was. He was 50-years-old and very wrinkly. "Hello Alice, how are you do - " before he could finish what he was saying, Alice kicked him very hard. He wailed in pain. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh, ow!" He looked up at Alice with tears running down his distraught face. "Why did you _do_ that!?" he asked, with a very raspy, shaky voice.

Alice looked horrified. " Because...because...I was told to, but I didn't want to!" she tried to explain. "I am sorry, Hatter, I really am." She turned and left the room.

Three hours later Alice went back in to check on her husband, who was many years older than her that he could be her father. "Hatter?" she asked, shyly. He didn't answer, he was still lying on the ground crying. Alice sighed. "How are you feeling?" There was still no answer. " I have a surprise for you," she said, now trying to cheer him up. " Hatter, I'm pregnant," she whispered, lovingly.

He looked up with a look of happiness. "You, you are?" he asked, very shyly.

"Yes...yes, Hatter, I am," she said, bending down to kiss his, aged greasy forehead.

"Oh, Alice," he said, forgeting his pain. "I love you so much." He got up and hugged her tightly.

Alice was so relieved that he was happy. "I love you too," she said.

They both went to lay on the bed together and began to decide on names for the baby.


	2. Perfectly Mad

One summer evening, Alice and Hatter walked through the park. Alice was due any day and being a very petite woman made her stomach look even bigger.

Alice sighed. "Well, Hatter," she said, sweetly. "Any day now, our precious child will be here."

Hatter looked down at her, lovingly, unaware of the crumbly eye booger in his left eye "Yes," he lisped. " Yes indeed. " He kissed her on the crown of her head.

A 20 year old man with his 19 year old wife were walking bye. " Wow," the woman said. "Are those two actually a _couple_?" she said, in shock.

"Well, looks like it. Why did that young girl marry that shabby,old man?" the man mocked.

Alice looked over at the two. "Oh, look Hatter, those two are looking at us. Yep, they're just so jealous of us because we make such a cute couple ," she said, squeazing his soft, slim, mushy arm. "You're just my perfectly strong, muscly, broad Hatter." She looked up at him and kissed his chin.

Hatter smiled down at her lovingly " And you are my Perfect, Little Alice," he said, with a very rusty throat. Hatter was so embarrassed, but he thought Alice was too moved by what he said, that she wouldnt notice his ugly rusty throat.

Alice was silent. " _Well that was unemotional,"_ she thought. "That ruined the whole touching, moment," she huffed.

Hatter could tell that she didn't approve of his rust and quickly, but quietly cleared his throat. "So," he said trying to act casual. "Shall we get going home now? The sun has set, the stars are up and you, Dear Alice, need your rest." He tapped her nose just as he said the word 'rest'.

"Oh, alright. We'll go home," Alice tiredly yawned and hugged Hatter's soft torso.

"That's My Lass," he whispered. "That's My Lass."


	3. A New Hightopp Member

Alice lay on the bed in misery, for the baby's time had come, it was the day Alice would give birth to her first child. She knew that she was in labor.

Just then, Hatter walked in the room, were Alice was and smiled at her for a moment. He had used so many terms of endearment for Alice, but this time he was trying very hard to come up with a new term of endearment for her. He finally found something to say. "How are you feeling My Dear Sweet Wife?-" he was cut off by the sound of his stomach gurgling. He had just eaten and the acid in his stomach was breaking down the food, making it easier for him to digest. " _I hate my flaws_ ," he thought.

Alice looked up at him. " _I totally herd his stomach_ ," she thought. " _But I'll just ignore it_." Then she spoke up. "I'm in labor Hatter, I'm ready to have this baby," she said triumphantly.

"Oh, my, we must get you to the hospital," he lisped in relief that she hadn't mentioned his gurgling stomach.

After an hour the baby was born. It was a girl, her name was Colleen .

"Oh..." Alice sighed. "She's so precious."

Hatter looked down at the brand new member of the family. "Ah, that she is My Dear, that she is," he said proudly. "Can I hold her?" he asked softly.

"Yes, of coarse you can Love." Alice handed him the baby. "I am going to rest a bit," she said tiredly.

Hatter leaned over and kissed her forehead. "All right," he raspily whispered. He cleared his throat quietly and continued talking. "You get all the rest you need Dove. I'll be hear when you wake," he poetically said.

" _Dove?"_ Alice thought. " _That sounded...dumb... I wish he wouldn't ruin touching moments with his uncreativity_." But never minding it she smiled at him and drifted off to sleep.

"Sweet dreams," Hatter whispered.

 **Two years later**

One morning, Alice, Hatter and their daughter, Colleen went out for breakfast at McDonald's. When they walked in, Alice sighed. "(sigh), what a nice day," she said.

Hatter crunched up his nose as Alice sighed. "Um, Alice," he began.

"Yes, _Husband_?" Alice replied

"Did you brush your teeth before we came here?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"No," Alice said, simply. "Why should I? My breath didn't taste bad."

"Well, it smells pretty bad," Hatter said in great annoyance. " You should be part of the Brushing Teeth club, like me."

"Ugh," Alice scoffed. "What ever," she said looking away with her nose up. But neverminding him, she looked out the glass door. "Oh, look, Hatter," she said surprised. " It's your dance teacher, Miss Lorie."

Hatter looked out the door as well. " _Oh_ ," he said irritated at the sight of his mean dance teacher. "Yeah, her and her _stupid_ dancing and piping group are doing a parade, advertising McDonald's. She asked me to volunteer, but I said 'no'," he lisped, unpleasantly.

Miss Lorie looked at him through the glass door, she looked very sad at the fact that Hatter wasn't helping her out.

"Look, look!" Hatter tugged Alice's sleeve. "She's sad that I'm not out there!"

"Oh, that's nice, Dear," Alice said, clearly occupied on something else. "Look at this _foolishness,_ There are three posters up advertising Double Deckers, and one is spelled like, _duble deccer_ , and the other two are spelled like, _double decker!"_ Alice laughed, hysterically. " Who made those? Huh? I bet Barrie made them," she laughed as she mocked a foolish man that she knew.

Hatter laughed too. "Yes, probably, My Dear," he continued chuckling.

Now it was Alice's turn to crunch up her nose. "Hatter... oh... ew..." she said, covering her nose "Your breath smells like an old man's breath. You shouldn't be making faces at my breath because at least when _I_ brush _my_ teeth it smells like peppermint afterwards, not Old Man breath!" she spat. "And, just curious, are you part of the flossing teeth club too? Well you must not be considering that piece of black pepper in between your teeth!" she mocked.

Hatter looked humiliated, he loved to brush his teeth and floss them as well. He always felt like he had every bit of right to make fun of anyone that didn't brush or floss their teeth. But apparently, that wasn't an option anymore, considering he was getting old and had a hard time keeping his mouth fresh. "Oh, look," he said in means to change the subject. "That Fat Guy over there is doing the stupid deal, 'Buy 60 double deckers for 11.99 and get one free vanilla ice cream cone-" before he could finish his last word, he got a ball of phlegm in his throat, which sounded disgraceful. He quickly cleared it and looked at Alice to see her response.

She was laughing at him. "And now you get rust in your throat!" she teased. "You're just out to make yourself a fool today aren't you? Are you even embarrassed?"

"Hatter wiped the sweat from his wrinkly forehead. "No," he lied.

"Yes you are! You are all red with embarrassment!" Alice laughed even louder.

Everyone in the restaurant began to snicker and talk about the funny event taking place. "Look at that girl teasing her dad," a man laughed

"Yeah, I know," another man said. "Where is your respect for your dad, Kid?" he said, refering to Alice as _the kid._

"What are you Idiots talking about?" Alice asked annoyed that they mistaked her husband to be her dad. "This is my _husband!_ Not my _dad!"_ she yelled. "He may be a bit older than I, but not old enough that you can't tell that we are _married!"_

The people all looked shocked at the fact that Alice and Hatter were Married, rather than Father and Daughter.

"Fine," someone finally said. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that he was your husband. Mistakes happen and you shouldn't snap like that at us. I mean, How were we suppose to know that that Wrinkly, Old, _Thing_ was your husband? He certainly doesn't look like it," the man yelled.

Hatter was very embarrassed that the man had called him a Wrinkly, Old, _Thing._ He very much wanted to go home. "Alice, lets go home now, please?" he pleaded. We'll eat breakfast at home, I really just wanna go." he begged.

"Fine,"Alice huffed. "We'll leave. We shouldn't hang around people that are rude enough to point out our age difference."

And with that, they left McDonald's in a huff. Leaving the _Offenders_ to their breakfast in peace.


	4. A Day Of Fun

One day, Hatter took his daughter, Colleen out for a play date out in town. They went to the park, DQ, and Triple Play.

"Daddy, I'm having such a good time!" Colleen said.

Hatter smiled at his daughter proudly. "Well I'm glad you're happy, Dear Sweet Child," he said.

Colleen smiled up at her dad and held tight to his soft, mushy hand. "Can you get me a princess dress?" she asked, sweetly.

"Sure, anything you want, Dear," Hatter assured.

Alice sat with her imaginary magical cat, they were in an argument about how the imaginary magical cat wouldnt give Alice her way.

"If you don't let me win this fight!" Alice yelled. "Then I Wonka promise I'll kick Hatter," she screamed.

The cat just slurped his spit and folded his arms. "Fine, punish Hatter for something he didn't do, see if I care," he said.

Alice then realized that the cat was right. "No, I Wonka promise I won't kick him," she protested.

The cat slurped once more. "I'm sucking out my magical bubble to make you kick Hatter now, if you don't I'll kill Colleen," he hissed.

Alice gasped. "Oh, fine," she cried. "I hate your stupid bubble."

"I Don't," the cat slurped.

Hatter walked into the house with Colleen, it was just sundown and Alice had just finished making dinner.

Hatter sniffed the air. He had already eaten dinner out in town with Colleen, but he had a healthy appetite and was planning on having a second dinner. "Ah, that smells delicious," he said.

Just then Alice came in the room with a sad look on her face. She didn't want to see him, for it only meant that she had to kick him.

"Alice," Hatter sighed. "What divine Meal have you prepared for us-"

Hatter was cut off by a very powerful kick. He was stunned in place with an expression of shock on his face. Five seconds later he began to wail in pain. "Aaaah haa haa...-" a large fart noise shot through the air, for as he pushed his voice out for a scream, he also pushed a fart out. He cried louder in hopes that Alice didn't hear his fart. "HAA HAA HAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!"

Alice was devistated to see her husband cry so much. "Oh, Hatter..."Alice said, sympathizing. But than she scrunched up her nose. "Ewwwww! Oh, Hatter! That stunk like skunks and warm eggs!" Alice yelled. "Can't you hold your farts while you're around other people? No one wants to smell it! I did feel bad for you till you grossly farted!" Alice was very mad at this point for he had bean farting uncontrollably lately.

Hatter was humiliated, he had no idea that the fart was even loaded, it just slipped out. " Alice, I...I...I didn't mean to," Hatter wimpered.

"Shhhh," Alice snapped. "I don't wanna here your excuse," she said. And with that, she stomped out leaving Hatter sad, hurt and most of all embarrassed.


	5. The Sick Hatter

One afternoon, Hatter lay in bed, miserably. He was sick with a cold and was very upset about it. "I wish I wasn't sick," Hatter cried.

Just then, Alice walked in with his tea and toast. "How are you feeling, Husband?" she asked, softly.

Hatter looked at her with tears in his eyes and a trembling lip. "I feel _horrible_!" he cried.

Alice pitied him and began to soothe him, rubbing his soft arm, she said. "Don't worry, Hatter. You'll get better soon."

Hatter sniffed and looked up at her. "I hope so," he said. "I don't _like_ being sick!" he sniffed, as he bagan to eat his toast.

Alice took hold of his face in both of her hands and kissed his lips. She pulled back quickly, spitting and wiping her mouth rapidly. "Eww!" she yelled. "You have toast crumbs all over your mouth!"

Hatter was very embarrassed for he thought that with the way he was acting, crying and pouting, that there would be no way she would dare be rude to him. But she did, she mentioned a flaw and a very unemotional one at that. " _Crumbs on my mouth_?" he thought. " _Why didn't I feel them there?_ " He was trying to wipe the crumbs off without looking like he cared. "Well, uh... Thanks for the tea," he said, trying to change the subject. "I'll feel better now that I have it."

Alice smirked at him. "I brought toast for you too, you know? So why didn't you mention that?" she challenged. "Is it cause you're too embarrassed to talk about it? You know, cause you had it all over your mouth?" Alice was letting him know that he couldn't get away with crying with a flaw.

Hatter was silent for a moment, then he got an idea. "Oh, I really need some rest, all these questions are making me dizzy and tired," he lied.

Alice just glared at him. " Okay, I'm gonna pretend like I believe you. But deep down inside we both know that I don't," she mocked. And with that said, she walked out, leaving him all alone.

Hatter hated how she always made a fool of him. His stomach was tight and his face was hot. He had sweat in his thick, coarse, hair. "I just need to take a nap and forget about all this," he said, to himself. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

Hatter woke. "Wow," he said. "I slept a long time." It was 5:04 and Hattie was feeling mighty hungry.

" _I wonder when Alice will bring me my dinner,_ " he thought. Then suddenly he felt very packed up in his stomach. He was always very gassy whenever he got sick. "She'll probably not come for a while," he said. "I'll let out some of this discomfort while I'm still alone."

And with that he began to fart. He was farting a good half hour before he herd the door knob rattling. "Oh, no, It's Alice!" he paniced. "She'll smell my diarrhea farts and she'll be bound to make some sort of statement about it." Hatter jumped to his feet and opened the window, he grabbed the blanket from the bed and began to fan the foul air around very quickly.

The door opened, and in came Alice with his dinner. "What are you doing with the window opened?" she asked, a bit confused. "And why are you waving the blanket aroun-" Alice stopped and sniffed the air. She began to gag and cover her nose, causing her to drop Hatter's dinner. "It all makes sense to me now!" she yelled. "You've been doing hot, smelly farts. You herd me coming so you tried to get rid of the stench before I could smell it," she yelled, in disgust.

Hatter was hot and sweaty with a red face. "Um.. I...wasn't doing that. I just like to fan the blanket around...Yeah.. that's right. And.. uh.. I don't know why it smells like...farts in here, it's not like I was farting." Hatter was clearly lying but he took his chances and tried to not look so embarrassed.

"Okay, I'm not even gonna pretend like I belive you," Alice yelled. "And look what happened to your _digestible_ dinner! I dropped it because of your disgusting farts. Well, guess what? I'm not getting you another plate, so you can just go hungry, You Fartty Thing!" Alice stormed out, leaving Hatter with his farts, his embarrassment and his broken plate of destroyed food, all alone.


	6. Hatter Has His Pick

One morning Hatter ran into the kitchen were Alice was making burnt pancakes for breakfast. "Hello, Alice," he said.

"Oh," Alice said, looking over at him. "Hello, Dear. How are you doing today?" she asked

"Fine, just fine," Hatter said, expectantly.

Alice knew he wanted to tell her something. "Okay, You Expectingfool, expecting me to ask what you're so excited about, tell me why you're _so_ excited!" Alice said, in an irritated tone.

Hatter was silent for a moment, than he spoke. "Well, I heard that there is a new Karate class at the Community Center and I, My Sweet, am attending to it," he said, with much enthusiasm.

Alice smiled at him. "That's good, Hatter, I'm happy for you!" she said, sweetly

"Yes," Hatter sighed dreamily. "I can see it now, me punching, kicking, yelling and wearing a white karate uniform! I'm so happy."

"Me too, Honey," Alice said, kissing his cheek.

Hatter, Alice and Colleen all walked into the Community Center at 2:45. There were still 15 minutes untill the class started. Hatter was very scared looking and was like a magnet to the wall.

"Hatter?" Alice began. "Are you okay?"

Hatter looked over with his eyes very wide. "I...I never have bean in a class with so many people, I'm nervous. And they all know what they are doing, I don't, and I don't even have my uniform," he said in a shaky voice. "I'm just wearing my loose, light blue, nike outfit."

Alice smiled at him. "Don't worry, you'll do fine," she assured him.

Hatter, who had his very thick and unnaturally long eyebrows up very high, now began to look more relaxed and began to lower his eyebrows. "Okay," was all he said.

"Line up!" the karate teacher instructed.

Hatter ran to his spot very boldly. He had a very focused look on his face and was very proud to be in a karate class.

"Hello, Everyone, my name is Steve Wilson, I am your karate teacher. A little about me, I have a wife named Jen and five kids named, Leah, Nathan, William, Alex and Ellianna. I can't wait to train with You Guys and get you all fit for karate," he said, politely. "Okay, everyone, jumping jacks," Steve began to count in Japanese. "Ich, ni, san, shi, go, rok, shich, hach, ku, ju!"

All the students yelled very loud on 'ju'. "HII!"

"Ich, ni, san, shi, go, rok, shich, hach, ku, ju!" Steve continued.

Hatter was ready, in all his glory and pride, ready to shout. "HIIII-" He choked on a ball of spit that went down the wrong pipe. He gagged violently, trying to get it out.

Steve looked over. "Yame!" he called to all the students. "That means 'stop'," he said. Then walked up to Hatter. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Hatter looked up with a blue face. " _y_ E _e_ s," he unsteadily said.

"You sure?" Steve asked, still concerned.

" _t_ H _a_ N _K_ Y _o_ u," he raspily began. "I'm fine," Hatter said, now all cleared up.

"Okay," Steve said, and headed back to the front of the class. "Okay, again! Ich, ni, san, shi, go, rok, shich, hach, ku, ju!"

"HIII!" the whole class yelled.

Alice was sitting with Colleen on some junky, old boxes off to the side. Alice smiled at Hatter proudly. "Look, Colleen, there's Daddy," she said pointing to Hatter, who was doing his jumping jacks very forceful and very wide-legged. His hair was very crazily sticking out in all directions and he was panting very harshly.

The students beside Hatter crunched up there noses for he smelled funky. His breath smelled like old, unbrushed, tuna, dirty feet and vacuum packed septic. His hair smelled just as bad as it looked. It smelled like grease, bark, snails and dogs. The rest of him smelled sour, bitter, vomit and very compressed toxic fumes.

"Eww," one whispered as he nudged his buddy.

"What, Sid?" his buddy mouthed.

Sid sneaked his finger towards Hatter, who was very unaware of the present gossip being told about him. Sid plugged his nose as if to tell his friend that Hatter smelled bad.

His friend laughed quietly to himself. "Sorry, Dude," he laughed.

Sid glared. "Aiden, it's not funny!" he whispered harshly.

Aiden smirked and continued doing his jumping jacks.

Hatter was panting harder and harder, being as old as he was made it difficult to keep up with the teens. For every three jumping jacks the class would do, Hatter would do one. It gradually was every four they did, he would do one. "Oh," he panted. "I need to take a brake and get some water." He walked over to were Alice and his daughter were sitting, he got a bottle of water and gulped the whole thing down.

"Yame, Class, yame." Steve looked over at Hatter, sternly. "You can't just walk out to drink whenever you feel like it. It's unorganized and disruptive," he told Hatter.

Hatter was very embarrassed. "I'm sorry," was all he said. " _Great, I don't have a uniform so now more attention is drawn towards me, AND I was sitting down! Oh... Now he's gonna think I'm more foolish for sitting on my butt as I drank_ ," he thought.

After class, Hatter was given a New Student Booklet and a uniform patch. He was also warned by Steve that he'd probably be sore for the next week or so.

As Hatter climbed into bed next to Alice, he sighed happily. "What a good day, I learned so many new things. I'm so happy," he said.

"Well, I'm glad you're happy, Hatter," Alice said, as she curled up next to him. Then she sniffed. " _EWWWW! Man, he stinks like he's bean working out_!" she thought. " _I wont say anything for it will only hurt his feelings_." And with that triumphant thought, she closed her eyes, held her breath and went to sleep.


	7. Stubborn Hatter

One day, Hatter, Alice and Colleen went to the beach. They had just set up there stuff on the sand when Hatter spotted a shark in the distance.

"Oh!" Hatter exclaimed. "A shark! I have to go _see_ it!" Hatter ran into the ocean trying to get closer to the shark.

"Hatter, no, don't do it!" Alice screamed. But it was to late, Hatter was far into the water by now and almost at the shark. "Hattie...Please, don't," she whispered, through tears.

"Why don't you kick him?" Alice herd a familiar voice speaking. She turned to find her magical imaginary cat floating beside her head smiling sinisterly. "After all, he would deserve it, don't you think?"

Alice glared at him. "No I won't! And if you don't get out right now, I'm putting you in my torture machine!" she yelled.

The cat slurped his spit and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Alice. Say what you want, do what you want cause it don't bother me one way or another."

Alice's face burned with anger. "Fine then," she said, as she grabbed him and started to strangle him. But he disappeared before any damage could be done. "Ugh! I hate him!" Alice yelled.

Just then, Hatter came back, he flopped on the beach and heaved a sigh. "I didn't get to see it, " he said, solemnly.

Alice glared at him. "You!" she yelled. "Don't do that ever again! I thought you would die!"

Hatter was very confused. "I'm sorry, Kitten," he said. "I just wanted to see the shark. I didn't get hurt, I promise," he reassured her.

Alice started to soften up now. "Okay...Fine...Just stay here with me now, okay?"

Hatter smiled broadly, unaware of the gunky food on all of his teeth. "Of coarse I'll stay with you," he lisped.

Hatter and Alice sat arm in arm on their beach towel. They watched on lovingly as Colleen played in the water.

"I'm gonna go play with Colleen for a bit," Hatter said as he began to get up from the towel, heading towards the water.

"Okay," Alice said, in a very sweet tone.

Hatter smiled and walked into the water. He sat in a very shallow part of the water and began splashing at his daughter. "Ah HA Ha ha _ha,"_ he laughed playfully. "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, yes I am," he continued on his playful tone.

Colleen was laughing hysterically. "Daddy, stop!" she giggled.

Hatter chuckled. " _My daughter is thee best,"_ He thought.

Alice came up beside Hatter and put an arm around his neck. "You're so sweet with her, you know?"

Hatter blushed a bit. "Oh, well... um... I guess so," he said, bashfully.

Alice rolled her eyes at him playfully. "Whatever you say, Hatter," she said, and continued to stroke his shoulder. All of the sudden, there was a sound of bubbles rapidly popping, it sort of sounded like a bee of some sort. Alice looked around to see what the noise was. " _What is that_?" she thought. Then Alice looked down at Hatter's butt. She discovered what the, bubbly sound was. It was Hatter, he was farting in the water and was causing the bubbles to go wild. "Ewww! Hatter! Stop with your FARTING!" Alice screamed.

Hatter looked at her very startled. "I.. I wasn't, or at least.. I didn't know I was," he said, very humiliated.

Alice glared at him. " I bet you pooped in your shorts while you were farting, didn't you?" she mocked.

"No!" Hatter paniced.

"Yeah you did, I _know_ you did! So don't try to tell me that you didn't," Alice said, in a very snappy tone. Hatter only sighed, but he didn't get far into _that_ before he was cut off by Alice's yelling. "Don't you dare blow your breath at me! What did you eat? It smells like Sardines!" She was not going to give up on this one. "You ate Sardines. Didn't you?!"

"yEEes!" Hatter wailed, and took off running with tears streaming down his face.

"Fine, cry. See if I care. Big Sissy," Alice mumbled. "Come on, Colleen, We're going home now."

"But what about Daddy?" Colleen asked.

"Oh, he's being a Boo Hoo Hoo Fool right now, so we're leaving without him," Alice said, sweetly. She picked up Colleen, got in the car and drove away, leaving Hatter at the beach all by himself.


	8. A Day Shopping

One day, Alice sat on the couch watching Twilight. She was looking for new emotional things to do and she knew that Twilight had tons of emotional, girl loving, stuff on it. It was the part were Bella ran into the woods, avoiding Edward. She had just discovered that he was a vampire and she was very afraid.

"Oh, oh! I have to do this to Hatter!" Alice exclaimed. "It'll be _so_ emotional. If I act afraid of Hatter and avoid him, he'll come and say 'what's wrong?' and I'll scream and run away, leaving him confused, sad and scared!" she was getting very anxious to do her plan. "I hope he cries... Oh, oh! And tries to run away, but when he runs, he runs right into a tree! This is so _emotional_!" Alice had tears running down her face from all of these emotional thoughts.

Meanwhile, Hatter was out in town getting some Starter clothes from Walmart. He was deciding between the baggy, white, long shorts, or the sneakers with the Starter symbol on the side. "Oh, what to choose, what to choose?" he said, as he held both items up. "They're both so cool _and_ both have a great price!"

Just then a woman with two kids walked past. One of the kids had mucus running out of both nostrils, to his mouth. He was clearly sick and should have been kept home.

"Excuse me, Ma'am?" Hatter said, addressing the woman.

"Yes?" she replied.

"What do you think I would look cooler in, the shorts or the shoes?" Hatter asked, holding them both up for the woman to see.

"I don't know," she said, in an irritated tone. "You're so old that neither would look good. Not to mention Starter is a very cheep brand and only looser's buy from it!" she rudely stated, and pushed her cart past Hatter. Just as she past, one of the kids in the cart sneezed in Hatter's face, getting all his germs and spit in Hatter's mouth.

"Why would she say that to me?" Hatter lisped, with a trembling lip. "I'm not old and _I_ have feelings _too!"_ he yelled now tears falling down his face. But then he remembered something. "That kid was sick and he sneezed in my face! I hope I don't get sick."

Alice was feeding Colleen her dinner. "When is Hatter gonna come home? I need to be emotional and be scared of him," she wined.

Just then, the door opened and Hatter walked in with a sad face. He kept his head low to the ground in hopes that she would ask what was wrong. He sat at the table by Alice and heaved a sigh to get her attention.

Alice stopped breathing the second after he heaved his sigh, for his breath was so toxic that it smelled before he barely opened his mouth. "Hi, Hatter, did you have a good day?" she asked, still trying to be polite.

Hatter didn't answer. Instead, he heaved another sigh in Alice's direction.

Alice wasn't prepared to hold her breath that time, so she got a full blow of his breath up her nose. But, still, she tried to ignore it. "Are you okay?" she asked, soothingly.

Hatter still didn't answer. Instead, he heaved _another_ sigh.

Now Alice was mad for he wasn't answering and he wouldn't stop blowing his bad breath in her face. "Okay, stop heaving stinky sighs, answer me when I ask you questions and if you have a problem that you wanna talk about, that's fine, if not, then GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!" she yelled, with no signs of sympathy, what so ever.

Hatter was shocked that she yelled at him and embarrassed that she said his breath was bad. But trying to act tough, he glared at her and stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Alice rolled her eyes. "What ever, You Fool," she said. Than she looked at Colleen. "Daddy is a fool cause he is trying to scare me and the whole time he has stinky breath," she explained.

Colleen looked over at her. "Oh," was all she said.

In the bathroom, Hatter stormed around grabbing his toothbrush, toothpaste and a glass of water. He squirted the toothpaste onto his toothbrush and brushed his teeth quite fiercely. Hatter was rapidly brushing for only ten seconds when he rammed his toothbrush right into his gums above his top incisors. "AH HA-Ha... ha-ha-ha- _haaa,"_ Hatter wailed, in pain. He looked at his gums to see if they were okay and they, most certainly, were not. He had cut them very badly. "OHh, this is so bad, _why_ does this always _happen_ to me?!"

Hatter woke in middle of the night to the pain of diarrhea. He quickly rushed to the bathroom and let it out. He got back in bed and lay on his side for his stomach hurt if he lay any other way.

It was now 6:00, Hatter had gone diarrhea seven times throughout the night. "I guess I'm sick from that _stupid_ kid!" he spat. All of the sudden, he felt a great need to fart. With every fart he did, the better he felt.

It was now 6:30 and Hatter was feeling better now that he farted. "I feel a little better now," he thought.

Just then, Alice woke up and looked at him. "Why are you up so early?" she asked.

"Cause I'm _sick_ ," Hatter pouted.

"Aww," Alice said, sympathizing. "I'll get you some medicine." She pulled the covers off and stood up. It took a second, but all of the toxic fumes from under the blankets came pouring out. "EWWWWW! HATTER! EWW, THOSE FARTS SMELL LIKE PROPANE!" she yelled. But then she stopped and turned her head slowly to face Hatter with a glare. "That's why you were up so early, so that you could empty your intestines! Well, you can get your own medicine cause I will not tolerate that smell." And with that, she stomped out.

Hatter was so hot and sweaty from embarrassment. "Why does she always _do_ this to me?" he cried. Then he sniffed the air. "Ew, it does stink."

For the next five days, Hatter was sick. And every morning was the same, wake up at 6:00, fart till 6:30 and go back to sleep. And for as long as Hatter was sick, Alice slept on the couch, she wouldn't dare wittiness that farting session again.


	9. The Stranger

One day, Hatter went to the Ocean. He was wearing blue swim shorts with yellow flowers all over them, he also had a loose, white Starter tank top on. Alice always pointed out his flaws and he was down right sick of it, so he went alone. "Ah," he sighed. "What a nice day to go to the beach."

He ran into the water and began doing Butterfly Stroke. He was very far in the ocean and was getting quite tired, he wasn't a young man anymore and most certainly didn't have the stamina, muscles or ability to swim long distances. "Oh, I'm so tired," Hatter moaned. He turned on his back and began to do Back Stroke.

But, just as Hatter turned onto his back, he saw a surfer only two feet away. The surfer was sitting astride his surf board and swaying his legs slowly through the water. "Hey, there," the surfer said, addressing Hatter.

"Ho, Woa!" Hatter yelled, for he was unaware of the surfers presence. His whole body tensed when he herd the surfer address him. Without meaning to, as he tensed his body, he let out a big, bubbly fart. There was no hiding it, for the bubbles were quite large, quick and could only be identified as a fart. Hatter tried to kick his legs around and make it look like the bubbles were coming from his legs rather than his bum.

However, the surfer looked at Hatter with an amused look on his face. He clearly knew were the bubbles _really_ came from. He began to snicker to himself.

Hatter was very mad at this point. He looked at the surfers board, it was a short board with an ocean scene and dolphins on it. Then he looked at what the surfer was wearing, he was wearing a tight, white tank top and a pair of black plaid shorts.

" _Man, I want that surfboard, it's so... cool. And his clothes look amazingly cool too!_ " Hatter thought. then he looked at the surfers figure, he was very lean and muscular with broad arms and shoulders. " _I wish I was young and fit like him, I'm so jealous of him. I need to find a way to brag about myself so that he and I will be at the same level._ " Hatter thought a moment. He decided to start a friendly conversation and gradually get into the bragging. "Yeah...Hi, what are you doing out here?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"Oh, just chilling with my babe," the surfer said, as he patted his board. Then he burst out laughing. "I'm just messin' with you! This isn't my babe, my babe is waiting for me on the beach cause she no likes surfing!" he yelled, with a large smile on his face

Hatter looked at him, very irritated by the surfers loud voice and his poor grammar. then, he tried to get back to _his own_ topic. "Well, I'm Just swimming...Yeah I swam all the way out here without stopping, or even getting tired," Hatter said, now feeling like he was cool for having swam that far.

"Cool. Yeah, I like to swim out to that island over there," the surfer said very loudly and obnoxiously. Then he pointed to an island way out in the distance.

Hatter was very jealous. "Yeah, well... I bet you get tired though, huh?"

"Naa, I don't never get tired ever," the surfer continued on, making grammar mistakes.

"First of all," Hatter yelled. "Use proper grammar! Second of all, you can quit showing off how strong you ar-" Hatter was cut off. His foot got pulled by a current under water. "Aaaa! I'm stuck in a current!" he screamed. He kicked his legs, trying to get out of the powerful current. It took a great deal of kicking, but he finally got out.

"Oh, whoops," the surfer said, in a casual, easygoing tone. "You don't wanna get caught in one of those. Yeah, I get stuck in those but I always get out...cause... I...uh... I don't know," he said, now realizing that there was no answer to why he could always get out of currents.

Hatter glared at him. "Shut uaaaaaaaaaa!" he screamed, as he got dragged full force into the current. His entire body was caught in it now.

"Oh, whoops. Are you okay?" the surfer asked, as he could see that Hatter was being rapidly dragged away.

Hatter was tossed and turned by the current. He kicked and flailed his arms, but it was no use. From time to time, his head would pop up long enough for him to scream and take a quick breath. But he would get dragged right back down.

"Hey, Guy, you gotta go with the current!" The surfer yelled.

Hatter continued to be tossed and turned in the water. He thought it was the end of his life. Once again the water pushed him up, just high enough for him to take a breath.

All of the sudden, Hatter felt a strong grip on his arm. He was dragged out of the current. He didn't know were he was dragged to, for he had his eyes tightly shut. Hatter began to cough very loudly, for he had swallowed so much water. He still had his eyes shut. " _Whoever saved me will pity me if they see that i'm terrified and coughing_ ," Hatter thought. But when he opened them, he found that he was on the surfers board. Hatter sat up quickly and angrily as looked around, then he spotted the surfer across from him, still sitting astride his board and looking like there wasn't a worry on his mind. "Oh," Hatter said, very unpleasantly. " _You_ saved me...I guess I'm suppose to say _thanks_... So... thanks," he grumbled.

"Oh, sure, sure, no prob. But like I said, you have to go with the current otherwise you'll get stuck real bad," the surfer said, blankly.

Hatter was brought back to the beach. As he walked up to his towel, he heaved a sigh and plopped down on it. " _So good to be on safe ground_ ," he thought. Then he closed his eyes and buried his face into the towel.

Ten minutes had passed and Hatter was relaxing a little more. He had his eyes shut, just listening to the voices around him.

Close by, Hatter herd a girl and boy laughing and yelling. "Stupid Kids," he spat. "Always there to be stupid, foolish and immature."

"Darren, quit throwing it so hard," the girl called out.

"Sorry, Elice, I'm not trying to," the boy said, in a silly tone.

" _Ugh! I hate kids!_ " Hatter thought, as he enviously listened to the young people yell and have fun.

A minute later, The girl and boy were still yelling close by Hattie. "Fine, if they say one more thing, then I'll yell at them !" Hatter yelled.

"Darren, watch out!" Elice called.

Hatter opened his eyes in anger. "All right! that's i-" Hatter was cut off by the weight of a foot stepping harshly on his back. "Aaaaaaa!" he screamed. He looked up to see that it was the surfer boy that he met out in the ocean.

"Oh, whoops, sorry, Guy, I never saw you there," Darren said, in an absentminded tone.

"Oh, Darren! I told you to _watch out_! Now look, you hurt this Poor, Old Man." Elice yelled

Hatter was in so much pain. His back was sprained and completely out of place. "You Idiot Surfer!" Hatter yelled. Then he stood up to leave. His back was bent in a very odd position, causing his butt to stick out and his head far forward.

Elice thought he looked very funny, she began to giggle to herself. " _I know he's in pain, but he looks so funn_ y." she thought

"Sorry," Darren said.

Hatter continued to walk away and ignore him.

"Hey, sorry," Darren said, again. "Hey, sorry." Darren wasn't making any progress getting Hatter to respond. "Sorry."

"Darren," Elice said.

"Yeah?" Darren asked.

"Shut up," Elice said, sweetly as she reached up to kiss him. "Don't waste your time with Old Farts that don't forgive young people, simply cause they're young."

Hatter glared at Elice when he heard her call him _An Old Fart._ Elice looked over at him and smiled innocently. She held up her hand and waved her dainty fingers at him. _"Stupid, stupid, stupid is all I can say."_ Hatter thought. And with that, he slowly got into his car and drove away.


	10. Merry Christmas Underland

On Christmas, Hatter woke up early to open his presents. He ran out of the master bedroom and into the livingroom without even brushing his teeth.

"Which one to open, which one to open?" Hatter squealed, in delight, as he picked up many different boxes.

Just then, Alice came out tiredly, Hatter woke her up with all his running and grabbing of the presents.

"Hatter, what are you doing up this early?" Alice asked, tiredly.

Hatter chuckled, "You Silly Girl, I'm up early to open my Christmas prresants," he explained.

Alice glared down at Hatter, who was sitting on the floor, with boxes all around him. "So you woke me up for _presents_?!" Alice screamed. "You're acting like a child, presents before breakfast, church and toiletry? I don't think so."

Alice began to snatch the boxes from around Hatter and stuff them back under the tree.

Hatter was very embarrassed and looked as though he was gonna cry. "Alice, I just like my presents, that's all. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but I didn't get you any presents. So unless someone else did, you're out of luck." And with that, Alice walked in the master bedroom to get ready for church.

Hatter sat there, stunned, hurt, and humiliated. "Why... Why didn't she get me any presents?" Hatter cried. His lip hang low and tears fell from his face.

All through church Hatter tried to hold in his tears. Alice noticed him crying and stomped on his foot. This made Hatter cry even more.

"Ah ha ha.. ha ha ha haaa!" Hatter cried.

Everyone looked over at him, strangely.

"Hatter, stop, everyone's looking. If you wanna cry like a baby, then go outside!" Alice whisper-yelled.

Hatter walked out of the church, whiping his eyes.

After church, Hatter and Alice went home. It wasn't long before their guests arrived.

"Maybe someone else got me a present," Hatter thought.

All the people piled in and brought the presents in with them.

Hatter looked around, expectantly. "Are there any for me?" He asked, in a raspy voice.

Everyone looked around at eachother, waiting for someone to step forward with a gift for him. But no one ever did.

Hatter was so sad. "Why didn't _anyone_ get _me_ a present?" he yelled.

Everyone looked guilty and ashamed.

"I'm sorry," a man said, "I thought everyone else would get you a present, but I guess they all got the same idea I had, 'not getting Hatter a present and expect everyone else to'."

Hatter had enough of all this, he stormed out of the house and ran into the woods. "I'm staying here tonight!" he yelled, "Alice will feel bad for me if I do!" Hatter lay in the snow, freezing and scared.


	11. The Hard Truth

One night, Hatter and Alice lay in bed. Hatter had been rolling around trying to get comfortable for the past hour and Alice was sick of it.

"Look, I know you're trying to get my attention cause you wanna ask me something. So save your energy and the farts that have been sneaking out and just ask me your stupid question!" Alice yelled.

Hatter froze in place. How did she know he was trying to get her attention? "Well, you see, Sweetness... I was just wondering... Um... never mind," Hatter finally said.

"Okay, goodnight," Alice said, as she rolled on her side.

Hatter lay in silence for a good 20 minutes. "Okay, she probably forgot about it all by now," he thought. "Alice," he whispered.

Alice jolted awake. "What?" she asked, quickly.

"I'm sorry, Kitten, did I wake you?"

"Yeah, obviously. What do you want?" Alice snapped.

"Well... I was going to ask you a question and I thought you were awake. So I found it appropriate to ask you, since you would have the best answer for me, considering the fact that the question was for you and no one could give me a precise answer to my question...and...um..."

Hatter liked to ramble and make no sense. When he and Alice were first married, he would ramble on and she would always call his name to calm him. Hatter liked it and he always rambled on purpose now to have her call his name and interrupt his rambles.

But this time she wasn't calling his name. Instead, she sat in the dark waiting for him to run out of things to say, her plan was working and he was running out of things to say.

"And... you, being my wife... makes it only possible for you to answer... my question... and... what I mean to ask is, are you awake?" Hatter finally broke free of his ramble and at the last minute changed his question. He thought Alice had fallen back to sleep while he was babbling about nothing. "I hope she doesn't notice that I stopped my rambling on my own," Hatter thought.

"First of all, yes I'm awake. Second of all, you stopped your rambling on your own! That proves they aren't real and you can help it when you do it! I don't even wanna here your stupid question, since I know 'are you asleep' wasn't your original question. You only asked cause I wasn't calling your name and you were embarrassed," Alice said, smartly.

Hatter was hot with humiliation, she always made him look foolish and he could never be touching because she was always there to point out his mistakes. "So... you don't wanna here my question?" he asked, in hopes that she had changed her mind.

"Nope, I don't. So close your old eyes and go to sleep," Alice said, very rudely.

Hatter tried to act like he didn't care and closed his eyes. 10 minutes later, he rolled over on his back, "Are you awake?" he asked.

"Yep," Alice said, flatly.

"Oh, I have a question for you," Hatter said, hoping she would think he had a different question.

"Well, I know it's the same one you've wanted to ask all night, but I'm gonna let you ask so that you'll shut up and let me sleep."

Hatter cleared his throat, "Well, what I mean to ask is, do you regret my marriage proposal?" he finally asked.

All was silent for a moment. Then all of the sudden, Hatter felt a hard blow to his stomach. He screamed in pain and held onto his stomach. "Did you just punch me?" he asked, with all the wind he had left in him.

"Yep," Alice said mildly.

"Why!?" Hatter asked, in a raspy tone.

"Because you asked a stupid question."

"Well do you regret my marriage proposal!?" Hatter wailed, still in pain and trying to catch his breath from having it all been knocked out.

"Uh, yes," Alice said, in disbelief.

Hatter was shocked. "Um, did you just say you _did_ regret my marriage proposal?" he asked, hopefully.

"Yep."

"Oh... Oh, I don't care. it doesn't make me feel bad, considering I could tell by the way you've been mistreating me and never telling me that you loved me," Hatter muttered, as he turned to face away from Alice. "Also I've been thinking about things that start with 'm'. Mean, Mistreater, Moron, MARRIAGE!" Hatter said, trying to get scary.

But it was no use, just as he finished the word 'marriage', Alice kicked him in the butt, causing him to let loose of the fart he was holding in. The fart echoed throughout the room and when it was over, all was silent.

Hatter lay still, with spit forming in his mouth, for he was in so much pain. He was waiting for Ally to make fun of him, but she never did.

"So much for feeling bad for myself," Hatter thought.

He didn't sleep for the rest of the night. He was to upset with the fact that Alice regretted his marriage proposal and how she didn't pity him when he asked.

"Well, now I can't even move cause my butt hurts too much," Hatter said, as he began to get teary. "I'm so _sick_ of my _life_ being so bad!"


	12. A Trip To The Doctor

One day, Hatter secretly went to the docter. He had been having pain in his stomach for six months and was finally getting it taken care of.

After the doctor examined Hatter, she came back with the results. "Well, you have two problems here. One, you have terrible constipation, and two, you have a very large gallstone," the doctor explained.

Hatter began whimpering and trembling with fear. "Do you need to get the Vaseline?" he cried.

"No. For now, take these poop softening pills. And if they don't help, we'll figure something out."

"What about my gallstone?" Hatter wined.

"We could do surgery. But, it's not very necessary because it's not very big," the doctor explained.

"Well, how big is it," Hatter asked.

"The size of a soft ball," the doctor said, with no hesitation.

"That is big!" Hatter yelled.

"No it's not!" the doctor yelled.

"Yes it is-"

The doctor smacked Hatter's cheek. Hatter yelped, in pain.

The doctor glared at Hatter. "Now, if it gets any bigger, come and talk to me." She picked up her files and walked out.

Hatter slid off the patients table and moped out.

When Hatter walked into his house, Colleen ran right into his butt. Hatter screamed in pain, for his constipation was blocking his intestines from top to bottom.

Alice stomped in once she heard her husband scream. "What is going on here?" she yelled.

"Colleen rammed into me!" Hatter said.

Hatter was trying to stand up strait, but is gallstone was causing great pain.

"Act like a man and stop screaming about everything!" Alice yelled, and stormed out.

Once Alice was gone, Hatter dropped to the ground and began to roll all over the place.

"Stupid gallstone!" Hatter cried.

"What is wrong, Daddy?" Colleen asked.

Hatter stopped rolling and looked over at his daughter. "I have a stupid gallstone that I'm trying to get rid of!" he yelled.

"Oh," Colleen said. And she kicked him in the butt and ran out.

"Ahhhhh!" Hatter screamed.

"What now?!" Hatter heard from the other room.

It was Alice and she was already stomping back in. Hatter tried to quickly get up before she could see him, but it was too late.

"What are you doing?!" Alice screamed.

"Nothing!" Hatter yelled, as he stood up.

But just as he stood, Alice kicked him right in the gallstone. Hatter screamed. "Wow! There is like a gallstone in there or something," Alice said.

She kicked him again to try to see if it was a gallstone. "Yep, totally is a gallstone. It's normal for people your age though, considering you're like 50 and shabby," Alice said simply.

Hatter was very embarrassed, Alice always made fun of his old age.

Two weeks later, Hatter had been taking his poop softening pills and they seemed to be working. Hatter had the courage to try to get rid of his constipation.

After seven, torturous hours, Hatter was finished. The toilet was doomed terever to be clogged until the whole thing was pulled out.

"Oh, no! It's huge! how will that be able to go down?!" Hatter freaked.

But he took his chances and flushed the toilet. And just as he suspected, it clogged. Hatter rapidly plunged the toilet until he heard pounding on the door.

"Hatter, did you clog the toilet?" Alice called, through the door.

Hatter panicked and looked around for a place to hide. He looked over at the window, his only option was to jump out it. Hattie unlocked the door and bolted for the window. He didn't accomplish the jump though, for his old legs had no spring in them anymore.

"So, tell me, Hatter, are these yours?" Alice said, as she held up the poop pills.

Hatter instantly blushed and began to sweat. "No!" he lied.

"Yeah they are, cause it says your name on it. It also says you got them two weeks ago, which means you've been constipated for over two weeks! How unemotional," Alice spat, and stomped out.

When Hatter thought it couldn't get any worse, Alice stomped back in. "Ew! Look at that monster sitting in the toilet! No wonder you needed these pills! It's the size of a log!" Alice screamed, in disgust.

Hatter was dizzy with embarrassment. "Well, I have to go now, so seya later!" he frenzied.

He tried to walk past Alice. But just as he passed her, she kicked him in the gallstone. Hatter fell to the ground in pain.

"And that gallstone! it must have been in there for a centry! So unemotional!" Alice yelled, and stormed out.

Hatter cried of embarrassment and wished that his wife would treat him with more respects. And Hatter spent the rest of the day trying to unclog the toilet.


	13. Crushed Happiness

One day, Hatter was deep in thought. "I remember when I first fell in love with Alice," he sighed.

Flashback

Hatter and Alice were on snack break at their dance class. Their dance teacher, Lori, informed everyone that the next dance they'd be doing would be the Virginia Reel.

Hatter's heart leapt right out of him. "Oh, I can be Alice's partner!" he thought.

Alice was standing off by herself, just looking about.

"Hey, Alice!" Hatter called.

"What?" Alice said.

Hatter rushed to her side. "We're partners!" he said, with a smile that threatened to split his face.

"Oh, okay," Alice said, a little frazzled by Hatter's attitude.

Alice happened to look at Hatter's right eye, it had a dried out, yellow, crumbly eyebooger right by his tear duct.

"Oh, that is so embarrassing," Alice thought, as she instantly looked away. "He's smiling so big and he's so happy, it would crush him if I told him about that booger," she continued to think, as she looked shyly back at Hatter.

Just hoping that the booger was an illusion. But it wasn't an illusion at all, it was as real as could be. And Hatter continued to smile at Alice, unaware of his eyebooger.

"So sad," Alice screamed, in her head.

"All right, everyone, line up for the Virginia Reel," Lori called.

Hatter dragged Alice to the far left of the room, so as to be the first to run up and down the line, swinging with everyone and making a bridge with Alice at the far right.

The dance began. Hatter and Alice took three steps forward. Hatter bowed and Alice curtsied.

"Oh, great, you have to look at your partner for this dance," Alice thought.

She looked up at Hatter, hesitantly, and hoped, just hoped that, that booger would be gone. But it wasn't, it was still on his eye, ugly and gross as could be.

"She is so beautiful," Hatter thought, as he smiled, brightly at Alice.

The two ran up and down the line. Alice was relived when she would swing with the people on the outside and dreaded coming back to the middle to swing with Hatter.

After swinging with the very last people, Hatter and Alice held their hands together, head level. Everyone ran under with their partners, causing Alice and Hatter to be at the back of the line now.

This was always one of Alice's favorite parts, but now she dreaded it, for it was just to hard to look at that happy Hatter, knowing he was unaware of his eyebooger.

After the whole, torturous, six minute long, dance was over, Alice rushed out.

"I hope he sees his stupid booger when he goes in the bathroom," Alice hoped.

Sure enough, Hatter rushed out of the bathroom. "Alice, why didn't you tell me about my eyebooger?" he freaked.

"Cause I was too embarrassed," Alice explained.

Hatter was so humiliated. He acted happy and smiley with an unknown eyebooger.

"Fine! the next time you have one, I wont tell you!" Hatter yelled, trying to sound mad, rather than embarrassed.

"But, Hatter, it was just too embarrassing cause you were so happy and I didn't want to make it untouching," Alice wined.

Hatter looked away, for he couldn't bare to look at Alice. "How will I ever live this down?" he said, in his head.

After class was over, Hatter dropped Alice off at her house. Afterwards, Hatter went to his own house and tried to forget about the nightmare that he witnessed earlier that morning.

End of flashback

Hatter had tears running down his face. "She didn't tell me then, but now all she does is tell me my flaws," he wailed.

Just then, Alice stomped in. "Why are you crying?" she yelled.

"Because, I'm just really suiad!" Hatter mumbled.

"What? Sad?" Alice yelled.

"Yeah, I just said that!" Hatter yelled, through his cries.

Alice glared at Hatter, "Why are you sad!" she yelled.

"Because you're so mean to me!" Hatter cried.

Alice glared and stomped closer. She kicked Hatter as hard as she could.

"luaaAAAA LUAAaaaaa!" Hatter screamed.

"Shut up!" Alice yelled, and stomped out.

Hatter lay there for the rest of the day, just wailing and crying, untill the exhaustion won him over.


	14. Time Travel

One day, Alice sat on the porch. She was deep in memory about the time before she and Hatter were married.

"Those were good days. I still liked Hatter back then," Alice said, sadly.

Flashback

Alice's magical cat used his magical powers to make Hatter 20 years old. Hatter's normal age was 47, and Alice was sick of hanging with an old man.

Hatter, with his new age, came running up to Alice. "Hey, Alice, what's up?"

"Oh, not much," Alice said, politely.

"So, do you wanna hang out?" Hatter asked, with a big smile.

Alice smiled back at him. But all of the sudden, Alice's smile fell. Between Hatter's two front teeth, sat a piece of strawberry. "Oh, no!" Alice thought. "Poor Hatter. Always getting food in his teeth."

"Well... do you?" Hatter asked, again.

"Oh...uh...yeah, sure," Alice said.

Hatter grinned. "I'm so in love with her," Hatter thought.

Alice had a hard time looking at Hatter, for his food in his teeth was just too embarrassing to bare.

After having a ton of fun, Hatter and Alice took a walk through the park as they ate ice cream. But all the fun got destroyed by a foul smell that polluted the fresh air.

Alice looked over at Hatter's butt. "I know he farted," she thought, angerly.

Hatter was talking away, trying to distract Alice from his fart. "So, um, I was just wondering... Well, you're so beautiful," he finally said.

Alice was annoyed with him at this point, for he ruined the fresh air. "Thank you," she said, pretending to still be happy.

Hatter took Alice's hand, gently. "Alice," he raspely whispered.

Alice tried to hide the smile that came to her lips. Hatter's rust was very obvious and very funny.

Hatter's cheeks burned with humiliation. "Anyway, Alice, do you... do you... do you want to go out with me?" he finally asked.

Alice became very upset. She liked Hatter, but only as a friend. "Hatter, I thought we were just friends," she said, sadly.

"That's not how I've seen it," Hatter said, very gently.

"Hatter...no. I can't go out with you. You're strictly a friend," Alice said, with much courage.

Hatter's face fell into tremendous sadness. "What?" he whispered. "You acted like you liked me!" he yelled.

Alice backed away , a little.

"You acted like you were waiting for me to ask you out!"

"Hatter, I'm sorry," Alice said, shyly.

"The way you hung out with me! You are torturing me!" Hatter yelled. "You're standing there, in all your glory. Don't you know what that can do to a young man!?"

"Well, actually, you're not really young. You're really 47," Ally said, matter of factly.

Hatter was so humiliated. He wished he really was 20, lean and handsome. "Why did she have to say that?!" he thought. "I was hoping she didn't notice."

End of flashback

I hate Hatter, he's so shabby and unattractive!" Alice yelled.

Just then, Hatter walked in the room.

Alice glared at him. She stood and approached Hatter. With all the strength in her leg, Alice kicked Hatter.

"Leeeeeee lEEEEEEeee!" Hatter screamed, in pain.

Before he could even ask why Alice kicked him, Alice had already stomped out, leaving Hatter shocked, hurt and devastated.


	15. Up The Mountain Alice

One day, Alice hiked on a trail in the woods. She was full of emotions, for this place gave her very strong memories.

"This is the place I first kicked Hatter. It was so emotional," Alice sighed.

Flashback

Alice was walking along the forest line. The sun was down and it was getting dark out.

Hatter worried for Alice, because he heard wolves howling. "Alice!" he called.

Alice didn't here him and she began to walk into the woods.

"Alice, No!" Hatter screamed. And he ran after her.

Being the old age Hatter was, it took some time to finally reach Alice.

Alice heard footsteps behind her, she turned to find Hatter running towards her. "What?" she asked, in a frenzy, for Hatter looked very concerned.

"Alice, it's dangerous!" Hatter yelled. He grabbed her arm and began pulling her home.

"What's dangerous?!" Alice freaked, as she fought against Hatter.

Just then, Hatter saw a wolf walking around by the Bed and Breakfast that they were visiting.

Hatter screamed, and dragged Alice into the woods.

"Hatter, you're scaring me. What's going on?" Alice cried.

Hatter turned to face Alice. But just as he did, Alice's magical cat turned Hatter's eyes red.

Alice screamed, and pulled away. She ran in a different direction.

"Alice, stop!" Hatter yelled. He began to chase after her.

"Don't hurt me!" Alice screamed.

"I wont, I'm trying to keep you safe!" Hatter yelled. "Why does she think I wanna hurt her?" he thought.

After 3 hours of back and forth chasing and grabbing, Alice ran to the top of a mountain. She was ready to faint with fear, for Hatter kept chasing her and the sun was completely gone.

"Alice, please...I promise I wont hurt you," Hatter said, in a calm voice.

"No, no, no!" Alice screamed.

"alLiCE...-" Hatter began, but stopped with the feel of tremendous rust in his throat. He cleared it as fast as he could. Hatter grabbed Alice, hoping that she would think of how scared she was, rather than his rust.

"I would be more scared if he didn't get rust in his throat," Alice thought.

"Alice, come with me!" Hatter moaned, with passion and worry in his voice.

"Hatter, I'm gonna have to kick you if you don't stop grabbing me," Alice threatened.

Hatter looked afraid. "Alice, please don't! I'm not gonna hurt you," he cried. But just then, his eyes turned yellow.

Alice screamed and freed herself of Hatter's grip.

She ran for another half hour. Every time Hatter cought Alice, she would warn him that she would have to kick him if he didn't stop scaring her.

Finally, at 4:00 in the morning, Hatter had Alice with her arms pinned behind her. She screamed and squirmed. It killed Hatter to see Alice so afraid of him.

When Alice broke free of his grip, she wasted no time. She lifted her foot and kicked Hatter as hard as she could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Hatter screamed, in tremendous pain.

Alice felt terrible for having hurt her friend. But she was only defending herself. Ally bolted down the mountain, crashing into trees, branches, bushes and rocks.

"Alice!" Hatter screamed. "Come back!" Hatter couldn't move, for he was to hurt. He lay on the mountain top, crying in, both, pain and sadness.

Alice ran home and hid in her room. "I'm so scared of Hatter," she whispered.

End of flashback

Alice had tears falling from her face. "That was so emotional. When I first kicked him, my stomach hurt and tickled so much with emotions. But the more I kicked him, the less my stomach would feel like that," she blubbered.

"I hate Hatter, he's so shabby and un-emotional!" she screamed.

"What?" Alice heard Hatter say.

"'I hate you' is what I said!" Alice screamed. She raised her foot (the same way she did, countless times, in the past) and kicked Hatter as hard as she could.

"lllllLLLEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE lllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!" Hatter screamed.

Alice ran away, still crying. She slammed the door, causing a picture to fall off the wall and land on Hatter. Right in the spot that Alice just kicked.

"UuuaaaaAAAAAA HAAaaaaa HAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Hatter cried. and rolled around in pain.


	16. Playing Fetch

One day, Hatter was out playing fetch with Bayard. It was Hatter's turn to fetch. He frantically ran to the stick. But as he bent down to get it, there was a loud ripping sound. Hatter looked behind him, to find a rip in his pants going all the way down his buttcrack.

"Oh, I really Hope Alice is nowhere around," Hatter gasped.

But to his disappointment, Hatter turned to find Alice giggling from behind a tree. She began texting someone as she continued to giggle.

"Oh, no!" Hatter thought. "She's telling someone else about what happened to me!"

Quickly he ran to Alice and tried to tug on her phone.

"Get your boogerey fingers off me!" Alice yelled.

"Alice...uh...Who are you texting?"

"Melony," Alice said, casually.

"About what?" Hatter asked, nervously.

Alice looked up at Hatter. "Well, first of all, your ripped pants."

"And...second of all?" Hatter asked, in a shakey voice.

Alice glared at Hatter. "Do you want there to be a 'third of all'?" she snapped.

"What's the third of all," Hatter began to tremble and breathe heavily.

Alice sighed. "Well, now there's a 'fourth of all'." she continued texting.

"Tell me! Tell me!" Hatter demanded.

"Fine!" Alice yelled. "Second of all, you have an eye booger, third of all, your teeth have yellowed so much since the 2010, and fourth of all, your breath is so bad now, I don't even know what to do!"

"How dare you!" Hatter yelled, and turned to stomp away.

"As if you have a right to turn your butt to me with that rip in your pants!" Alice laughed.

Hatter covered the rip in his pants with his hands and took off running.

Alice laughed even harder now, and continued to text her friend.


End file.
